Choosing a Therapist

For Caretaker Recovery

When you want to recover from your caretaking role in a relationship with a borderline or narcissist, how do you find a therapist who understands your situation? Here are some guidelines. Therapists are licensed by states, so you will need to look for one in your state.

The therapist should…

  • Have 10-15 years minimum as a licensed therapist
  • ADVERTISE that they work with personality disorders
  • Have had at least 2-3 specific trainings in these issues
  • Are familiar with books written on these topics
  • Have training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
  • Training in EMDR may also be helpful
  • Have training in Family Dynamics – usually they have a license as LMFT
  • Teach Assertive Communication techniques
  • Familiar with "Inner Child" work or love/relationship addiction
  • Focus on problem solving not just listening

Especially important: while you are in the therapy session, the therapist should focus on YOU, not just the borderline or narcissist issues. They should NOT talk to you about:

  • You being more empathetic
  • You understanding the borderline or narcissist more
  • Sharing your feelings with the borderline or narcissist
  • Giving the borderline or narcissist more chances to change
  • What you SHOULD do to fix the relationship
  • Never imply that other people cause your feelings or that you cause their feelings

How do you find these things out?

First, look at their website or wherever they advertise, e.g. PsychologyToday, or TherapySites. Online therapy sites that get high ratings are BetterHelp and SonderMind.

Interview the therapist on the phone and during the first session. Some therapists will give you a 15-20 minute free interview, if you ask.

Find out all this information before you become attached or feel obligated to continue with a therapist. And, if your therapist doesn't provide you with the care you need, remember—you are their employer. Ask for what you want and need, and if you don't get it, find another therapist.

Keep in mind: YOU need a personal therapist—not one you share with the borderline or narcissist. Marital therapy can give you insight, but it rarely works to change a narcissistic or borderline partner.