Here are what I call the RED FLAGS that you’re with a narcissist…..
The have a high need for attention.
Shows off a lot (even dangerous, sneaky or illegal behaviors).
Talks constantly—especially about their own adventures or achievements.
Name dropping
Brings focus of conversations continually back to self.
Expects you to always be available.
Grandiose behavior.
Always has a better story or accomplishment, or a worse experience to share.
Looks down on other people. Frequently acts superior.
Knows what “best” for you
Contradicts others and/or puts them down.
Expects preferential treatment.
Expects you to do everything their way.
Stronger than normal emotional reactions.
Takes offence easily.
Demands apologies. (Though he/she rarely or never apologizes.)
Happier, angrier, sadder, more excited than the norm.
Emotions very intense, but often short lived.
Over-reacts to the unexpected.
Lack of empathy or understanding of others’ feelings.
Shows little interest in what others think or feel.
Doesn’t understand your feelings or minimizes them.
Can’t seem to see things from your point of view.
Need for control. Pressures you to get what s/he wants.
Pressure for sex, immediate commitment, and couple identity.
Withdrawal, hurt or anger if things aren’t what they want
Threats to leave the relationship when disappointed.
Discounts or minimizes your needs.
Discounts what you need or want
Discounts your needs and wants as inferior, stupid, or irrelevant.
Sees requests from you as being NEEDY or SELFISH.
Passive aggressive
May spend lavishly on self, but angry when you spend “their” money.
Won’t accept responsibility for their own actions.
Blames you or others for their mistakes or failures.
Won’t live up to what they say they will do.
Makes excuses and gives long explanations why s/he couldn’t follow through.
Stubbornly sticks to the belief that they are right and others are wrong.
Not transparent or entirely truthful.
You catch them hiding information or lying
Say they had to lie to keep you from being angry.
Don’t live up to their stated values when no one is watching.
You feel uneasy or feel they aren’t telling you the whole truth.
You don’t feel you can really trust them.
If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know these behaviors very well. When was the first time you saw these behaviors in the other person? Too often you are likely to discount these behaviors as a “one-time thing” or “when s/he is under pressure”.
When you first get into a relationship with a narcissist, these behaviors may not be directed at you, but you’ll see them directed at others—e.g., a parent, an ex-spouse, their children, a boss, or service people. They’ll often have stories about their past relationships that include being misunderstood, treated unfairly, taken advantage of, or being “ripped off”. They generally call their ex’s “crazy” and are still angry about the break up. You may notice that they make all the decisions and always think their choices are better than yours.
The red flags are there–even in the narcissist’s first interactions with you. Don’t discount them. Don’t ignore them. Narcissists have extremely ingrained behavior patterns that are highly likely to get more and more negative the closer you become emotionally to them. What they once directed onto others, they will eventually direct at you when the time comes that you don’t give them exactly what they want.
