Month: <span>December 2020</span>


Most caretakers believe that if they could just find the right words, voice inflection, or explanation, they could get the borderline or narcissist to understand why their behavior is so distressing. The hope is that they would then be willing to change how they act. You know that if you were told that you’d done something that was upsetting, cruel or unkind, you’d immediately try to change.

You want them to understand how difficult and hurtful their behaviors are.

However, it’s a mistake to assume that the BP/NP will respond emotionally or empathetically the way you do, or really understand how you feel.

People with BP/NP have definite social and emotional deficits. Their low levels of empathy make it hard for them to understand how others feel. They believe that you think and feel exactly like they do. In addition, they project their own feelings and thoughts onto you. Their accusations about you are exactly what they are doing, thinking and feeling.

BP/NPs may be aware that you’re upset, but they simply think you’re having the wrong reaction.

Explaining, clarifying, pleading, or in any other way of trying to get the BP/NP to think and act the way you do is futile. You can’t change their brains to function the same way yours does, nor can they get you to truly understand what it feels like for them.

Negative Reinforcement

If you want the BP/NP in your life to act differently, you have to make it appealing for them to act differently. Negative reinforcement works the best. When the BP//NP is acting rudely, hostile, argumentative, controlling or demanding, take yourself out of the interaction. Hang up the phone, walk out of the room, leave the house, or disengage in whatever way you can. Don’t respond with hostility. Simply say that you don’t want to continue the interaction, and then remove yourself so that it’s impossible to continue.

When the BP/NP is acting positively and normally, give them your attention. Be prepared, however, to exit quickly when things turn negative. They will learn which behaviors will hold your attention, and which no longer work.

Don’t try to solve the BP/NP’s problems

When you hear the BP/NP complain, demand, or want things to go differently, do you think you’ve done something wrong and jump in to try to fix or solve their problems? Instead of believing that you caused the BP/NP to feel or act a particular way, keep in mind that what’s really happening is that the BP/NP feels emotionally unable to cope and wants you to solve the issue by doing exactly what they want.

Every time you work to make things better for the BP/NP, the more they want you to take care of things for them, the more they believe that you are the cause of what makes things go wrong, and the more they blame you.

It changes everything when you look at the BP/NP’s complaints as problems they need to solve, instead of something you’re responsible for. Suggest that they would get the best results by checking on those things themselves, then let go of thinking that you have to fix anything. If they get angry, whine, or complain, keep focused on taking care of yourself and your children. Acknowledge that you’re aware of their displeasure, and let them figure out what to do about it. Remove yourself and your children and get involved in something else.

Letting the BP/NP solve their own problems, allows you to disengage from thinking that you’re at fault and need to do something to make it better for the BP/NP. When you change your perspective, you can relax and let them solve their own problems. That will give you time and energy to figure out what you want, and how you want to solve the issues in your own life.


How do people get these disorders?

The current research from the Karolina Institute in Sweden is that 75% of everyone’s personality is inherited. This includes narcissistic and borderline personalities. The family, culture, and environment provide the training.

The Mayo clinic identifies several specific factors that contribute to BPD and NPD. Genetics – inherited elements such as over-reactive emotions, inability to see other people’s perspective, poor impulse control, high anxiety, and even poor facial cue recognition. Neuro-biology – Intermittent or lacking connections in the brain between feelings, thinking, and behaviors. Parenting factors – A combination of overly-critical AND overly-praising parenting, or a combination of overly-protective AND neglectful parenting. Mismanagement of life stressors – Poor stress management skills, extreme need to maintain a perfect image, blaming others, desperate need for admiration, overly fearful of rejection, lack of motivation to change.

How does culture affect narcissism?

When a culture is very me and I oriented, more people are narcissistic. Cultures set the tone for what the society will put up with. Right now our society will put up with a lot of self-absorption, greed, and hostility.

What does the family contribute?

Of course, the family contributes the genetic predisposition. That also means that probably one or more of the parents and grandparents have identifiable personality deficits. They provide the model, including the rules, the skewed emotional reactions, and the willingness to accept and reward narcissistic and acting-out behaviors. Poor boundaries and lack of effective parenting strategies may also lead to physical and or sexual abuse which especially exacerbates borderline disorders.

Why doesn’t their behavior make sense? People with BPD and NPD will scream at you to convince you to love them, or blame you and then expect you to understand their feelings, or push you away only to beg you to come back. These are all due to the poor brain connections between their feelings, thinking and ultimate behavior. They confabulate reasons for why they act this way—often blaming you—but it’s their disordered brain functioning and confused reasoning that are the real reasons.

Why do I end up feeling depressed and anxious after a fight, while the BP/NP seems perfectly fine? You feel terrible after a BP/NP’s chaotic bout of anger, emotional outrage, and hostility because you think there’s a relationship reason for your loved one’s behavior. In addition, you continue to think about the conflict and wonder what you did to cause the BP/NP to be so upset.

Whereas, the borderline/narcissist may actually feel better after these events because they have just released all their negative energy and given it to you. They aren’t even thinking about it anymore. So, when you want to talk through the problem and figure out how to fix it, they will tell you it’s all in the past, and you should just forget about it. They may not even remember what they said or how they acted because they were in a heightened state of arousal.

What can I do to help the NP or BP change? You really can’t do very much. You can’t change how their brains work. You can’t use reason to convince them to be less angry. You can’t change how they think. You CAN stop reinforcing their negative behaviors by not fighting with them when they are emotional. You CAN quit giving into their tantrums. You CAN stop trying to give them advice, which they perceive as criticism. You CAN leave if the relationship becomes abusive and detrimental to your health.

Can you teach a narcissist/borderline to be more empathetic? The BP/NP doesn’t listen to other people’s suggestions, so you can’t make them change, but they can learn to act more empathetic. A highly motivated BP/NP who is desperate to stay in a particular relationship, can learn what to say and do what is demanded. However, it is exhausting for them, and it takes minute-to-minute awareness and attention which is very hard to sustain, and most BP/NPs don’t feel it’s actually worth it.

Why do I think I’m the one who’s wrong or crazy? The BP/NP has hundreds of reasons for their negative behaviors—most of which involve blaming you for saying or doing something they don’t like. AND, as a caretaker, you’re very vulnerable to thinking you cause other peoples’ feelings and behaviors. You don’t cause the BP/NP to think, feel, or behave in any particular way. They act as they do because of their dysfunctional brain, their unwillingness to take responsibility for what they say and do, and because they frequently get what they want by acting as they do and blaming you. People with BPD or NPD rarely ever think they are crazy or wrong.

How can I stop getting my feelings hurt by the narcissist? The easy, quick answer is to stop interacting with him or her. Your feelings get hurt because you expect something from the narcissist that he or she can’t or won’t give you, and then you are disappointed. You can’t expect kindness, generosity, caring, emotional support, etc. when you need it. The BP/NP may be able to deliver caring occasionally in a good moment or when he or she is very motivated to get something from you. Otherwise, don’t count on getting your expectations met. The best attitude for you to have is to not care what the narcissist says to you or thinks about you, and not depend on what the narcissist promises or says they will do.

Am I being abused? Signs of abuse include: Having your wants and needs discounted or demeaned, hurtful joking, blaming, trivializing your feelings, name calling, ordering and demanding, hostility, judging and criticizing, blocking your efforts, dominating, accusations, belittling, and threats of or actual emotional, financial, or physical harm. Only you can decide how much abuse you are willing to take. Pretending these actions aren’t abuse or not demolishing your self-esteem, or affecting your ability to parent well, or future well-being is counter-productive.

Should I leave or stay? Leaving or staying primarily depends on your own unique circumstances—length of relationship, age of children, finances, housing options, health issues, intensity and frequency of the BP/NP’s negative behaviors, your age, your support system, your goals and values, and so many other factors. There is no one right answer. If you are waiting for a certain make or break event to happen, I would, instead, highly recommend that you formulate a plan rather than taking an impulsive action.

Why is it so hard to leave a relationship with a BP/NP? The BP/NP is actually desperate to make you stay with them. They try to convince you to stay with promises of better behavior, alternating with blaming you so you will feel too guilty to leave. They make threats of worse behavior if you leave, offer sex, and remind you of past wonderful times together. Their fear and anger at your abandonment often explodes into so much chaos that you become too anxious, depressed, or exhausted to leave.

As a caretaker, you often stay because of your vows and promises, your need to be caring and helpful, dwindling self-esteem, fear of managing on your own, hope of changing things, and even lack of awareness of the abuse you may be experiencing. And, if you have children, you also worry about the effect a divorce may have on them.

See my books for more in-depth discussions of these topics:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship

Raising Resilient Children with a Narcissist or Borderline